Special Anonymous Guest: TV Shows Need to Stop Spoiling Themselves

The Food Network thinks you’re stupid.

Why else would they bother to show you exactly what’s going to happen after the commercial break before the commercials begin? Why do they deem it necessary to spoil the outcome of an Iron Chef judgment in a pre-commercial teaser, and then ask you to stay tuned for the judgment when it happens? Do CBS or NBC think you’ll forget what show you’re watching during those precious two minutes? Does Bravo imagine that, over the course of two spots for ED medication and a Toyota commercial, you’ll have lost interest in the outcome of Top Chef? Presumably you’ll be rushing off to the emergency room in your Corolla, priapic boner tenting your slacks, having completely abandoned the conclusion of the 45-minute contest you’ve just been watching.

Well, I’m here to tell Bravo, The Food Network, and all other purveyors of the really, really dubious reality shows [nick would like to add the Discovery Channel family to that list] that I follow to stop spoiling the fucking endings for me. If you ask me to stay tuned, I’ll stay tuned. I don’t need a taste of what’s to come spoon fed to me. Not only does such a “teaser” ruin the outcome of the show for me, but it also reaffirms my complete lack of faith in the future of this country. What’s truly sad is that those teasers are probably necessary, given that we’re a nation of half-witted hillbillies whose attention spans honestly can’t outlast the commercial break. Even if we’re TiVoing the damned thing, in which case the extent of the break is about 3.7 seconds (just enough time to click the fast-forward button twice, overshoot the mark a tiny bit, and then correct yourself).

Also, while I have your attention, stop fixing your shows. Stephanie had no damned business winning this season of Top Chef, but Bravo’s naked and stated desire to crown its first female TC pretty much telegraphed to all of us that the fix was in. And Bobby Flay can’t possibly be that good of a chef, Iron or otherwise. Try letting one of the competitors win every now and then, if only to preserve the razor-thin illusion that the show and its outcome aren’t essentially scripted. And NBC, we get it already – if a military serviceman appears on Deal or No Deal, he’s going to win a big prize. You might as well just hand him the $500,000 check at the start of the program and then ask him to play things out for shits and giggles. Your blatant fixing of the show is an affront to my dignity as a viewer, and to the honor of this nation’s armed forces.

Let’s put an end to this nonsense.