Lakers Lookin' Money for Year(s) to Come - by special guest Perrin Disner

Well, devastating isn't quite the right word for the Lakers' Finals collapse against the C-words from Bitch-town. Game 4 was devastating. It drove me to drink harder, faster, and more the next night than I had in years (the mark of a good night of drinking: puking out of not one, but two moving cabs, a total of 5 times, including a block from home at the end of the night for good measure).

But, and I hesitate to say this, I was not devastated by the series loss. Sad, disappointed, okay even distraught. But the silver lining shone bright even as the Lakers took Game 6 off and lost by 39 points. Three BIG considerations demand discussion here. To wit:

(1) The Lakers weren't supposed to be in the Finals! They were the 3rd youngest team in the NBA! They got where they got on (conventional wisdom sez) unpredictably amazing seasons from guys with next to zero significant NBA experience. Role players stepping up huge all season long, to beat the odds in winning the most competitive conference in history... to be the only team to sweep a playoff series... to handle a Utah team many thought, on paper, to be the best team in the league... to dismantle the defending-champs-and-team-of-the-decade Spurs in FIVE GAMES... and, finally, to win 2 out of 6 against the 3-all-star Cuntics! All the more incredible considering...

(2) Kobe wasn't even supposed to be here! Last summer was the craziest, most agonizing soap opera in pro-sports memory. Kobe, best player in the league, long-time-sole-bright-spot-of-any-given-game, the main attraction... he stabbed us in the hearts and demanded a trade! "I'd rather play on Pluto!" he said. Agony for those of us who love this team. He was halfway out the door. They were trying to get a trade together to be rid of him. When training camp started and it hadn't happened yet, he and the team of young do-nothings he'd maligned all summer put it all aside, made a pact to work hard and focus on basketball, and abruptly coalesced into a loving, joking, light-hearted family. I mean, fucking ABRUPTLY. They handily beat the nemisis Phoenix Suns in the 2nd game of the year, and never looked back! Kobe loved his boys, and they loved him, and with that focus and love they became a juggernaut. The infamous trade for Pau Gasol gave them a ton of credibility and incredible momentum through the spring, but even before that they terrified all the other teams because of...

(3) ANDREW BYNUM ANDREW BYNUM ANDREW BYNUM! (And Trevor Ariza.) This was the teammate Kobe MOST vocally slandered and ridiculed as he lobbied for a trade out of town. I mean, Kobe was a real dick about it. And how did Bynum respond? HE BECAME AMAZING. He was a top-3 center in the league when he was hurt. Did you get that? TOP-3, behind only freaks of nature Dwight Howard and Yao Ming. Bynum jammed it hard every time he was near the basket. He blocked 4 shots a night. He was a MONSTER. Soft hands. Timing. Footwork learned at Kareem University. Hunger. Fury. Ooooh, omg omg watching him this year was... whew... to quote the movie, "I'll have what she's having."

AND OF COURSE, Bynum got hurt and was out the rest of the year before the end of March! The Lakers traded for Gasol and began a forest fire of panic trades, notably the Shaq-to-Phoenix and Kidd-to-Dallas trades that made both good teams... less good. Why? Not because the Lakers were getting Pau, but because they were ADDING PAU TO BYNUM!!!

So in the fall, Bynum will (knock on wood) be in the middle providing the interior defense Pau doesn't, the effortless boards and put-backs Pau struggled with, while Pau will collect the longer rebounds and shoot sweet 4-foot turn-arounds and 8-foot sky-hooks. BOOM! Then what you have is, you have yourself the Crane is what you have there, buddy. "If do right, no can defend."

(3a) Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Trevor Ariza, my favorite Lakers acquisition this year, yes, including Gasol. Getting Ariza was amazing because (a) Ariza is terrific, and (b) they got rid of stink-tastic Brian Cook to get him. Brian Cook, B.C., Cookie. The worst athlete in the history of professional athletics. Cook, Out. Ariza, hard-working, defense-minded, mad-hops, focused, quiet, heady former UCLA Bruin, In. He of course broke his foot around when Bynum hurt his knee, and he almost missed the rest of the season too (he did come back to play a few minutes in the Finals, during which he excelled, except in Game 6, when nobody did anything good).

So With Bynum and Ariza back in the fold for a full year before the playoffs next year, I think the Lakers finish with the best record in the league, giving them home-court throughout the playoffs and, it ought to be fair to assume, AT LEAST one more win, out of 6, in the Finals against Boston. Which would take them to Game 7, in L.A., and, oh, maybe 5 or 6 years of championships. Knock on wood. How much better will the Cocklicks get in the meantime? Negligibly. Fuck those vomit-colored, injury-faking, stupid-bullshit-swahili-mantra-chanting cheap-shot-artist, chowder-humping scrotum-faces anyways.

--Perrin Disner