Playing the Game by Erinn The Game Guru

I recently had an interesting conversation with a woman that is by all measures... nice. You know what I mean - a good girl. She was using me as a sounding board in attempts to gain an understanding about the motives of some fella she recently started dating. The conversation started simply enough ... Why would he do something like that ... What do you think that means ... Do you think he's playing me ... Can I trust him? Then it occurred to me that his behavior could only be in reaction to her behavior. I mean, let's face it - generally speaking - dating in this country consists of men beguiling, chasing after, or courting women. Therefore, like any other good salesman, men have to offer what women want. Anything short of that equates to loneliness. So men have come to tailor their actions based on the perceived desires of women. This is a process that begins individually after that very first rejection. However, as a collective, men begin to streamline their behavior right around 12 -15 years old.

As the conversation progressed, I decided to determine whether or not she had supplied him with sufficient enough motivation to generate the sort of behavior he was exhibiting or whether he was just "gaming". So I asked some questions .... How did you both meet ... Who approached whom .. Do you call him before or after he calls you ... Have you told him about how you feel? When it all boiled down to soup, she hadn't been completely honest with him. He approached her and even though she was initially attracted to him, she openly acted as if she was preoccupied. She did, however, exchange telephone numbers with him. She also admitted that she calls him only after he calls her. She further acknowledged that the first couple of attempts that he made to see her, she either blew off or pretended to be busy. My final question to her was whether or not she had noticed a change in his behavior or if he was consistent in the manner in which he interacted with her. She admitted that she had noticed a change only of late and that she couldn't understand why because she was starting to show her feelings which is what he seemed to have wanted from the beginning.

Taking all the available factors into consideration, I offered her my analysis - She ruined it from the start. She, of course, wasn't the least bit happy with my findings. So, I had to further explain my position. Quite simply I stated that she began the relationship with "games". Seemingly innocent coy volleys that many women use to determine if a man is really interested. These are tried and true measures used to gain as much information about her suitor while simultaneously offering the smallest amount of personal information possible. I further stated that as he may have perceived the tell-tale signs of a woman's common "date" jousting techniques in play, he quite possible could have decide to play games as well. A tactical maneuver, if you will, to minimize his exposure to emotional loss or hardship. I acknowledged that he too could very well have been "gaming" from early on, however, I had to point out that she accepted his initial advance and did so with a "game" tactic. Therefore it was she who initiated the game and consequently had no logical or moral right to be averse to "the game's" progression - nor it's outcome. "A game is a game", I said, "and there's only one of two outcomes - either you win or you lose. But if entered the game willingly, then you can't complain if you lose. You're better off not playing if you don't like losing."

She initially didn't like what I was saying, but she did eventually acknowledge the logic and truth in it. And, in doing so, she was forced to ask herself the tough question of why she had started playing games in the first place. This line of questioning lead our conversation down another path which brought me to the realization that the whole "problem with dating" that women seem to experience is largely the fault of women as a whole. This problem of "not being able to find a good man" is a problem that is conceived in adolescents, gestates during young adulthood, and is born into being during the mid to late twenties, which, oddly enough, is the same age range that women tend to start looking to get married.

Allow me to explain. Let's say that there's a young 14 or 15 year old high-school girl who happens to be the recipient of the affections of four different male teenagers. One happens to have an image that makes him popular with many others in the same social group, especially other girls who are equally interested in his affections. Two happen to be your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill, high school students, and the last is an out and out "booger". And let's say for the sake of argument that she considers, however seriously or not, that they all have a chance at being her boyfriend. This would mean that she associates in some social way with all of them during a trial period. This, in effect, allows her to gain knowledge which will inform her final decision. In the end, let's presume that she chooses the boy with the "image". What she has, in effect, done is alter the behavior and understanding, however minutely, of five people - the four boys interested in her and herself. (I'd like to point out that I've not included the behavioral adjustments that might be made by any casual observers, because, as we all know, people are nosy enough to pay close attention.)

The young girl will continue to utilize her familiar methods to obtain the affections of those that tickle her fancy. The "image" boy who emerged victorious and won her affections, is not likely to change his behavior in his future dealings with women because what he is doing has been shown to be effective. As for the other three boys, they will - out of sheer dislike of rejection - alter their behaviors (again however minutely) to effect a different outcome in future courtships. More than likely, they will come to more closely mirror the behaviors of the boys that seem to be succeeding with the opposite sex.. This process will continue to grow in volume and complexity of technique in relation to the number of rejections that men receive during subsequent dating years. The natural progression of this is that at some point most "average" men become image conscious and, as a by product, more shallow and self-centered in order to avoid rejection. Many women use the tactic of trying to gain as much information as possible about a guy, while offering as little personal information as possible, before deciding on someone to date. This only adds to the levels of complexity that dating entails as both sets, men and women, age and gain life experience. The end result is a large (and ever growing) pool of image driven self-centered men who, through time, have become well practiced at exhibiting the perceivable nuances that attract women. All the while, these men believe that women's intelligence gathering techniques are merely "games". And as many women don't tend to initiate interactions with men, but rather wait for a man to approach and decide whether he is someone whom she might consider dating, they are relegated to the chances that fate has allotted from the mixed bag of men who after years of dating are still willing to be the aggressor and initiate contact with women.

The irony of this story is that the vast majority of men who are willing to do so are those very same image driven self-centered men have come to be experts at showing a well polished "representative" but lack real substance. And once many women reach that age of "OK, it was all great fun but I need a husband now", they still don't take an active part in securing their own romantic future by initiating contact with men.

So, women, as you have the majority of the decision power in dating, it is up to you to decide early on that the image of choice is that of a man that you would wish to marry. Otherwise the cycle with only continue and deepen in levels of complexity. And if it doesn't change, men will continue to gain experience at "baiting" women and women will continue to reach that marrying age and wonder, "Are there any good men left".

My advice to women is to "woman up" and assume a more invested roll in your dating lives. If you see someone and are interested in getting to know them better, be adult enough to approach. Don't just sit back engaging in coy volleys in hopes that they will come to you. If you do so, realize that you've already started playing games and are indirectly inviting the other person to play games with you. Once the games have begun you have a 50/50 chance of losing, which would indicate that you merely encountered someone who is better at dating games than you.

Don't hate the player, hate the game (that you started)!!

--Erinn - The Game Guru